


Making Sense of It

by decreasethesurpluspopulation



Series: Making A Change [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Fingering, Emotional Castiel, Emotional Dean, Emotional Sex, It's Just Lots of People Crying, Like Super Emotional Dean, M/M, My First Fanfic, Oral Sex, Seriously Please Don't Read, Sorry For All the Crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-28 04:17:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8431528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/decreasethesurpluspopulation/pseuds/decreasethesurpluspopulation
Summary: My first ever fic, so it sucks, fair warning. And I'm not lying about the crying, I don't know what happened there. Dean blurts out what's been on his mind, but things turn out okay, really okay. Until they don't.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm using this to work out some serious writer's block I have, so there won't be a lot of good stuff here, kinda just me throwing out an idea.  
> Let me know how bad/decent/terrible it is, though, and please be honest. I've never posted anything here before, and I've never written anything like this before, so I'm curious.

Dean is psyching himself up for it when he hears the front door open, then Cas letting it slam behind him. His messenger bag hits the ground with a thump, “Today was terrible.” his low voice calls out from the entryway.

Dean hastily grabs the nearest book. He pretends to have been reading it and not worrying and/or pacing all afternoon.

Dean looks up from his book as he walks in, “Heya, Cas.” Sitting up, he moves his legs to make room for Cas, only to have him lay down and put his head in Dean’s lap. 

Blue eyes glare at him, “It was terrible, and I’m not going back.” 

Dean chuckles and absently runs his fingers through Cas’ dark hair, continuing his casual facade, to push his worries back. Comforting Cas will definitely calm his anxiety. “It’ll get easier. You have to give yourself some time to adjust.” 

“I won’t need time to adjust, because I’m not going back.”

Dean rolls his eyes, “Cas- ” 

“They hate me, Dean. And I know why they hate me.” 

Dean’s surprised by his insistence. “Cas, they don’t- ” 

“They hate me because I’m new, and I don’t know anything, and I’m screwing it all up.” 

“Hey, I hated you when I first met you too.”  _ Liar, actually, no, you didn’t. Not exactly. _

Cas goes to sit up, but Dean grabs his shoulders gently, “I’m kidding, babe, kidding.”

Cas lays back down and Dean resumes with his hair, but Cas persists, “Dean, what if,” throat clearing “what if I never get it right and they always hate me?” 

Dean can hear the fear and insecurity in his boyfriend’s voice, and it tugs his heart. His hands still as he catches Cas’ eyes and speaks just as softly. “Cas, stop. You need to cut yourself some slack, okay?” 

“But, Dean- ” 

Dean shushes him, “It’ll be okay, I promise. You’ll be running circles around them before you know it.” He places a soft kiss on his forehead. “Okay? Just breathe.”

Cas closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and nods. “Okay.” 

Dean starts to lean back, but Cas puts a hand on the back of his neck and pulls him slowly down for a chaste kiss. “Thank you, Dean.” he whispers. 

Dean can only smile in response, his chest filling with absolute warmth, and his heart aching a little bit more, because he didn’t do anything but calm his boyfriend down. He leans forward for another kiss, deepening this one, making it slow and indulgent. Cas moans lowly, and Dean figures they probably had at least a half hour before-

“Hey, guys, get this. I was walking fr- Oh, c’mon!” 

Dean and Cas both sigh softly in slight disappointment.  _ Now I’ll have to wait for hours. _ They turn to see Sam already turning to the kitchen for a snack, and Dean knows that his window of opportunity is gone for the moment. 

Sam emphasises that point as he comes to stand behind the couch with a bowl of grapes, “You know, when I said that we could let Cas live with us, you guys promised you wouldn’t-”

And just like that, Dean’s upset, irrationally so, but he is. Cas immediately sits up, and Dean stands so quick he gets light-headed.

“” _ Let _ Cas”, Sammy?” Dean grits out.

Cas immediately puts a hand softly on Dean’s arm. “Sam, we weren’t doing anything, I swear it.” 

“Guys,” 

Dean moves around the couch to face his brother, “ _ We _ didn’t  _ let _ Cas anything, Sam. He’s been our friend all our lives-” 

“And you know we wouldn’t do anything in the living room. Have a little-”

Sam tries again, “Guys,” 

“I mean, Jesus, Sammy, if I want to sit and make out on the couch-”

“Eck, Dean, I don’t want to know-”

“-with the man I love then I will. And if we were fucking, you’d know it, brother, so don’t…” he trails off, now that a sudden silence has fallen, and his anger leaving as soon as it came. 

For some reason, Cas’ eyes are wet, staring at Dean the size of saucers, mouth hanging open in shock. Sam just smirks and throws another grape in his mouth, shaking his head. Dean has to ask, “What?” 

Cas approaches Dean slow, like one wrong move will scare him off, and Dean’s still confused. “What, Cas? I mean, I wasn’t gonna actually say we were fucking, I was ju-” 

“I love you, too.” Cas says sincerely.

Dean’s completely thrown. “ _ What? _ ” He can’t process all the emotions that are poured into him at those soft words. He’s still confused, even more so now, but so absolutely surprised and elated, and now he’s tearing up. What the fuck just happened? Cas loves him too? How can Cas love him back? It doesn’t make sense, Dean thinks. He isn’t about to complain, but Dean doesn’t have what Cas needs, and he knows that, so how, why-

Sam’s laughing interrupts his mental spiral, “Geez, Dean, I was scared there for a minute....” He glances at Cas and notices his look of pure shocked happiness nearly matching Dean’s. “Shit, Cas, is this really the first time he told you he loved you?” Another glance between the two confirms it. 

“Wow.” Sam breathes out. 

Dean’s brain finally catches on to the words Sam spoke, and he immediately flushes a brilliant red, his mind still tripping over Cas’ “I love you”, stuttering out half explanations. “Well, you see, I- Cas, you know I-” 

Cas rushes forward, crushing his body to Dean’s immediately, his mouth dominating as Dean can only try to process everything that’s happening right now. Dean’s hands fist Cas’ sweater as he realizes that Cas loves him back. Cas loves him back, and Dean doesn’t ever want him to leave and change his mind, so he holds him tight enough that he can mold him to his body. 

Neither notice Sam clearing his throat, rolling his eyes, and yelling, “I guess I’ll crash at a friend’s for a few days then.” as he heads back out the door. 

They kiss like that until Dean pulls back breathlessly, “Cas,” he tries to speak as Cas continues kissing and sucking down his neck ever so slowly. “Cas.” Dean holds his face so he can see him, “Cas, did you mean that?”

Cas gapes at him again, and Dean nearly sobs at the depth of vulnerability his typically fearless, confident boyfriend is showing, “Of course, Dean. I love you so much.” Dean groans in response, and pulls him back to their bedroom, with Cas whispering his love for Dean all the way there.  

Dean’s shirt is taken off as if Cas harbors a personal loathing for it, and Dean tries to get to Cas’ as well, but he stops his hands. “No, Dean. Let me.” Cas sinks to his knees, hastily removing Dean’s belt, and opening his jeans. Dean doesn’t understand still why or how any of this is happening, but Cas swallowing him down in one smooth movement distracts him enough. 

“Ungh, Cas,” Dean’s hands immediately fall to Cas’ hair, tangling his fingers softly. His grip turns slightly tighter when Cas’ pulls out all his tricks that he knows get Dean off in point-two seconds.

Dean nearly falls over with the force of his shaking legs, with a warning on his lips, and then Cas rises, and Dean finds himself on his back on the bed, whimpering. 

Cas licks, kisses, sucks. and bites up and down Dean’s torso, mumbling into his skin “Oh, God, Dean, you have no idea-” He breaks off when Dean makes a particularly embarrassing sound when Cas bites neatly at his hip. “No idea how long I’ve loved you.”

Dean feels his eyes prickling at the words, and tries to work past the knot in his throat to plead with Cas to stop talking and start fucking him, but he can’t when Cas brushes a finger between his ass cheeks. 

Cas seems to take his silence as approval to continue, and whispers as reaches for the lube, “Dean, I’ve needed you for so, so long, baby.” A finger moves slowly inside him, but he’s too distracted by Cas’ words to revel in it. Dean feels the panic rising, the shame and guilt coming to the forefront, and he definitely feels the hot tears sliding down to his ears. He shuts his eyes tightly. "And you're so perfect, so beautiful."

He tries, “Cas, please,” but Cas takes it as encouragement. Which Dean realizes would make more sense in this situation than what he’s actually feeling. Cas nodding and beginning to add a second finger makes sense. Cas kissing the hip baring his teeth marks makes sense. Dean knows this. He also knows that his feeling as if he’s going to shatter into a blubbering mess of self-hate does not make sense, and that only brings the tears faster. He needs to breathe. 

“Cas, stop,” he says it too quietly, and Cas doesn’t hear. Dean considers allowing Cas to continue his ministrations and to try get back into it. Having sex is not new for them, hell, they’re damn near pros at getting each other off in under five minutes by now, and sex after love confessions makes sense. But making love, at least in this context, and acknowledging it, is new for Dean. For some reason, Dean’s head won’t let him have this. He wants it, God, does he want it. He knows Cas wants it too, but he can’t. Not yet. Not right now.

He takes a deep breath, “Stop, Cas, stop, please, Cas,” And Cas, amazing, beautiful person that he is, does so immediately. 

“Dean, what’s wrong, baby? Did I hurt you?” His blue blue eyes fill Dean’s vision, and he has to close his own against their loving concern. Dean realizes in the back of his mind then when Cas’ arm brushes against his dick that he isn’t even hard anymore. 

Dean’s heart breaks at Cas’ worried tone, he shakes his head, “I ca- You didn’t, I just-” 

Cas, wonderful as he is, moves to lay next to Dean and hold him tight against him. “Ssh, it’s okay, Dean. I promise. “

And that’s when Dean really loses his shit. Because it doesn’t make sense that they aren’t having fantastic, loving sex right now. It doesn’t make sense that Cas is comforting him when they weren’t doing anything crazy or wrong. It doesn’t make sense that Cas would whisper these warm words of gratitude and love and happiness into Dean’s neck.

_ I'm so sorry, so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Cas, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.  _

“I’m so sorry, Cas.” It doesn’t make sense that Cas loves him. Cas shouldn’t love him. Dean just wants to apologize for making him stop and making Cas think he loves him. “I’m sorry, so sorry.”

Cas shushes him gently, “Dean, you’ve no need to apologize, you’ve done nothing wrong. Nothing wrong at all.” But that doesn’t make sense. Dean should at least give him what he wants, it’s the least he could do after causing all this.

He turns to face him suddenly, “We can try again, Cas, I promise, I won’t-”

“No.” Cas says, firm, but kind. 

“I won’t ruin it this time, I promise. I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean begs, because he should be able to give Cas this. 

_ I'm sorry, Cas, so sorry. _

“Dean, please, don’t apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong.” It takes Dean a second to realize that Cas’ voice cracked, and when he wipes his eyes he can see that Cas is crying to. 

Shit, fuck, fuck, how the hell did Dean do that? They’re supposed to be having sex and being happy, but instead they’re both crying because Dean can’t fucking compose himself. God damn it. 

_I'm sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry._ Shit, has he been saying that aloud this whole time?

Dean wipes some of Cas’ tears with shuddering hands, “I’m so-o s-sorry, Cas. I didn’t mean to-”

Cas shakes his head quickly, “Please, Dean,” Cas grabs his hands and kisses them and holds them tightly in his warm, rough palms, “Please stop apologizing, baby. I need you to breathe, okay? No more talking, just breathe with me.” 

Dean nods, and takes a deep a breath as he can with Cas. He realizes then that he’s shivering, and that his vision is tunneled. Fuck, when’d that happen? 

“Good, Dean.” Cas has hand on his neck now, holding his gaze and touching his forehead to Dean’s. “That’s good. Give me another, okay?” 

They do this a few more times until Dean stops shaking and can breathe smoothly again. 

Suddenly Dean’s so tired. His eyes start to slip shut, but he keeps them open. He wants to tell Cas, “I’m sorry, I really am.”

Cas puts a finger to his lips, “No, Dean, you did nothing wrong. Sleep now, I’ll watch over you.”

Dean nods, but holds Cas’ hand tightly still, like he thinks he’ll leave. But he knows he won’t because Cas said he wouldn’t. 

Just as he’s drifting off, he remembers, “Cas, I wanted to tell you something.” 

He hears a rustle of blankets, and then a low “Yes, Dean?” that makes him smile softly.

“I love you.” He feels so much better now that he's said it.

Another rustle, then a shuddering exhale and suspiciously wet sniffle, before Dean hears, “I love you too, Dean. So so much.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> 'Kay, so that happened. I don't really know where I plan to go with this, or if I'm ever going to post anything ever again, but give me some honesty in the comments. Thanks for making it to the end.


End file.
